My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
