genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you would pick up someone in the library
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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