just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
what the fuck happened to the tacos
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
