i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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