I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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