you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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