My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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