Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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