sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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