Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
