then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
