I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize