you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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