I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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