Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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