oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
