my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
