I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
