how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Randomize
