On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
