this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Be still, my beating vagina.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize