my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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