just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
