I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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