he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
