I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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