u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
