What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
