I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
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