one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
