i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize