If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
