I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
