Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
