Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Randomize
