I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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