I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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