end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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