when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
