Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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