did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
