he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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