i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
