Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
