I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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