My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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