he wants to bone in the snuggie
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
