I think im going to throw up on grandma
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
