I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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