If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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