just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
