Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
