is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
