I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
