i don't like sucking hair
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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