Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
