the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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