Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize