Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize